The Way I See It

So this past month I had another birthday. My body certainly feels it daily. My mind seems to grow with each trip. I am amazed at the changes all around my small world. Some big, some small. My grandchildren are growing rapidly and my boys are real men. My spouse is working harder than ever yet he tires faster than ever before. My siblings all older than I are suffering greatly from their aging health. We lost a beloved sister-in-law a few days before her 90th birthday in the same month as my own birthday. So the sad things in life are as many as the happy ones lately.

As is my lot in life I can’t seem to hold my tongue nor my thoughts about the little things that irk me. Much of my distaste stems from people who assume things about others without having any clue about their actual daily existences nor do they seem to care even when they do know. This seems to be what God in His wisdom has assigned to me and the Universe has given me to carry. So I’m here to speak the truth with an open mind and a deep understanding of humanity because of my empathetic nature.

Do you know that not all nerves in the body can regenerate nor heal? There are a multitude of illnesses that can be specifically labeled for this issue and hundreds of more that cannot. It is this problem that creates the age old adage that mind over matter cures everything. Or perhaps I should say that millions of people see other people as lazy, spoiled human beings. Again, assumptions many times. Oh sure, there are hundreds of thousands of people who are in reality lazy good for nothing souls but there are just as many whose fates were just dealt a bad hand.

Nerve damage as I stated earlier can be temporary but it can also be permanent. Unfortunately, I have been dealt that losing hand. There is no surgical guarantees for long lasting change in my fate, no amount of physical therapy can fix the problems, no exercises that can be managed to undo the permanent status. So I have resigned myself to my mostly sedentary life attempting to keep my mind alert and open by reading and writing. It’s not a pitiful life nor an unmanageable one and I am grateful everyday I wake up to a new dawn. How people see me no longer matters to me. Deep down it rolls right over my permanently damaged nerves. My age has increased its potential toward arthritic changes and so just adds to the incapacity of my entire physical body and permanent nerve damage. I live with it and do what I can when I can. No regrets, no mea culpas, no excuses.

Yet, most refuse ,after seeing me this way since 2011 assume that I just don’t want to help myself. Oh how wrong they truly are! By human nature I automatically want to dance, bowl, play on the floor with my grandchildren. Those are things I always enjoyed. I love computers and all the wondrous things that one can accomplish using them. I would love nothing more than to sit at mine for hours. Learning, exploring, entertaining myself. However my permanent nerve damage prevents me from doing those things. My time working on a computer is extremely limited. Doesn’t mean I don’t have the desire or the will just don’t have the physical power anymore. So of course, I miss it.

People though they look at me, I look powerful, I haven’t changed in appearance to be unrecognizable. I still look like me. I just can’t perform the actions that so many others can still enjoy. My mind has grown immensely during this period of time I have on my own. My empathetic nature has also spread to immeasurable bounds. However, for these attributes I am unrecognizable by many who think they know me.

I have been described as a “witless, know it all who won’t take care of herself” by someone I have loved and once respected. I admit that hurt. To see it in print because this beloved person assumed the worst of a person like myself was not easy to ignore. Yet, I said very little in defense of myself because this person was obviously hurting and I felt their hurt within my soul. I can’t bring myself to forget it and my forgiveness is easily given but my unwillingness to continue being around this person is paramount to my own well being. So it is a loss to me because they are too closed minded for me to have a future relationship. And all because an assumption was made on their part.

So let me be clear here and I hope to educate those who read my blog though only a few ever do. Permanent nerve damage is a reality. It removes mobility of the physical body to do what it once did. There is no cure. There is only lifestyle changes that do not involve long periods of standing, walking, sitting, etc. Most joyful movements are removed from those afflicted. It doesn’t change a personality of an intellect. It doesn’t change an empathetic nature. It does allow for deeper insights and longer more thought provoking observation of human nature. So assumptions have no value in my life. They are what the gag says, “assuming makes an ass out of u and me”.

I have come to accept my lot in life though I can never say I love it, but I can live with it. I hope that by the time or if I have another rotation around the sun I will feel exactly the same as I do today, appreciative of each day I am granted, the love for my family, the love of my family, my friends and my grandpups. Permanent nerve damage may not be fun but it is an opportunity to create a new start if you let it.

And, That’s the Way I See It, here in Jackson.

K