My mind reels with thoughts about life today. Wondering if this is what everything has come to such as random, fleeting thoughts that almost feel dreamlike in their reality.
It’s raining outside and there is a sadness about me. Thinking about all the things I dreamt of so long ago will ever come to pass. Thinking that I want more out of life than I have been able to achieve so far. My body stops me while my mind soars with all sorts of adventures. If you haven’t been in my shoes you could never understand. People either look at you with pity, accuse you of having self-pity or avoid you at all costs. It is not a happy life but not an unpleasant one either. I have nothing concrete to complain about do I? I am breathing, I can see, hear, smell, talk and think. I can bear the pain of my body with prescription medication. Yet, the sadness overwhelms even though I know this truth. I am a practical shut-in. Unable to muster the energy most days to even venture out onto the porch. The winter weather is no help. The rain falling is like the tears that fall within myself. Hearing people say it could be worse, knowing they are right, still doesn’t abate the deep rooted sadness of believing my life is almost finished and I have yet to truly live the way I had thought I would be living at this stage of my life.
I often think, “What could I have done differently?”” How could I have prevented this dilibating illness?” I never arrive at the answer or the solutions. I blame my husband because he still goes to work everyday and I am so wrong to do that. He has to work so that we can have the essentials needed to survive at the moment. Yet, I have never learned to drive so because he is the one who drives me places, I always think, “if only”. Selfish, I say to myself. Those are selfish thoughts. It is all my own fault not his.
My body struggles more and more each day to do the simple things like getting dressed. Most times I can barely wash my hands and face and brush my teeth. My upper body is now experiencing as much difficulty as my lower body has for the past five years. Some days it hurts to raise my arms to brush my hair. I read this and say to myself, “Are you making excuses?”. I don’t know, maybe, but my emotional brain doesn’t think so. I see it as a fact of MY life. Something I neither understand nor want to be, but nevertheless it is. I have a deep desire to be different yet, when I try to do some of the things that were once done (often without a second thought) is now almost impossible. It isn’t that I don’t try, I try all the time. I look around and see all the projects that I left undone for such a long time and tell myself, “Today I will accomplish at least one of them”, but I find that too often that doesn’t ever happen. Once and a blue moon, like right now, I am at my computer typing away, yesterday I couldn’t even move my arm. So, yes, I am so grateful for these days that even though I feel sadness, I can at the very least move to some extent. The issue is that I have less and less of these days and even now I feel my body starting to reject the position I am in sitting here. I expect that in an hour or so, I will be laid up again because I decided to try something that should be so easy for most people. If I have sinned in the past, than I believe I am now paying for whatever sins I committed. So I can’t possibly feel sorry for myself, because I must deserve whatever deal I have been dealt.
When my granddaughter is around the pain doesn’t stop, but I seem to be able to push through it better. I want to experience joy with her and I want her to feel like she can trust me to do things that she likes to do. Somehow my mind overcomes my body’s woes and although I often collapse when she leaves, I at least have those hours with her where I can feel “almost normal”. I suppose my selfishness wants more of those types of hours. I hope one day that my wish to live better and grasp whatever I can from this life and keep it inside of me for the remainder of my days will arrive sooner than later. For now, I will let this day pass as I have so many others. I will stop thinking of what could have been and concentrate on what my life is now. I will search for that ray of sunshine in the little things and realize that they are what really matters. I will seek to use my idle times to do something good for others. Perhaps having a “sad” day is good for my soul. Perhaps having “happy” days all the time isn’t always a necessary part of life. I think just writing about how I feel today was good for me. It helped me to see that even though the rain falls the sun is always just behind those clouds.
And that is The Way I See It here in Brooklyn.